The Torture Begins...

"Thursday July 22, 2021: Had my echocardiogram which was a piece of cake. The surgery for the port implant was good. But boy does this hurt now. My neck and everything hurt badly. I will say when Nurse bob came in to explain the port, I still have my sense of humor. He inquired why I was getting one and I explained that I was just bored in my life and wanted to try something new. We all had a good laugh. The phlebotomists at the clinic and the hospital staff all know who I am. The girl who moved from California. The girl who always cracks jokes just to make everyone laugh and smile… because in those moments I am not facing the harsh reality of what is going on. It really is true, the ones who always make everyone laugh are the ones who have gone through and continue to go through the harshest times.

Friday July 23, 2021: I am in quite some pain. This is definitely worse than the lumpectomy and node biopsy. My neck is killing me. Hurts to breath deep. My back is hurting. This sucks. I’m working from home thankfully. I didn’t feel safe driving with a hurt neck. Work is pretty brutal when you’re in pain. This pain is damn relentless. I hate this so much.

Sunday July 24, 2021: I’m supposed to go to a BBQ at Jon’s house. I’m so upset because I woke up and I’m in pain and can barely move my left side. So now I can’t go, all I wanted was to see him and have some fun before tomorrow. Before my first chemo. I found myself getting nervous, scared if you will, about the pain I’m going to endure tomorrow. I find it a little funny because in the last 2 months I have had: 4 different blood draws, 2 IV’s, a biopsy, a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy, the node mapping, and the port implantation surgery. I’ve gone through soooo much pain in 2 months, why am I nervous about a little more? Maybe it’s just the unknown? I’m not sure. This all sucks. I don’t want to go to sleep. I know when I wake up, I have to face reality and a tough chapter. I mean, I’ve already had an insane 2 months and beginning of the chapter, but I know this part is going to be extra brutal. I don’t know how I’m going to feel. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to leave my house again. I don’t even know if I care about people who don’t know me, but I definitely care about people who know what I really look like. I know everyone is and will put in a brave face, but I know the truth. I’ll know the pain behind their eyes and the shock of how I’m going to look. How I’m not going to look like the same Hayley they know. How I already don’t have the same energy and ability to be on the go like I have my entire life. This is all rough. A very tough pill to swallow… or should I say tough concoction to be forced through my body. I will continue to be strong and brave because I don’t know what else to be. I just can’t wait for this all to be a memory. A real memory, a harsh memory, a battle of a memory, but a memory of the toughest battle I ever had to overcome and was able to overcome gracefully."