My First Journal Entry...

Once I was diagnosed, my Doctors and I came up with my medical plan: First, surgery to remove the tumor and to biopsy my lymph nodes. I had a Right Breast Lumpectomy and Lymph Node Removal on June 18, 2021. Second, three weeks after the surgery (the minimum time you can wait), I was to start aggressive Chemotherapy. Lastly, Radiation which would start 3 weeks after my last Chemotherapy. Exactly 3 weeks after my surgery was my sister's baby shower in Los Angeles so I had to ask my doctor's if we could push out starting chemo by one week and ask it was okay to travel (I moved to Delaware August 1, 2020). My surgeon looked me in the eye and said "You need to go. You need to go be with your family before all of this starts. You need to be around your loved ones".

That is where this first journal entry began... this is when it all really sank in...

"July 15 10:10 on a flight from Denver to Vegas so I can get to LA.

I’m happy I get to go now so my loved ones can remember me how I am and not sickly and bald. I’m happy I get to see the ones I love and boost my fight so I can go back home and knock it all out.

It’s hard. Staying positive is hard. Staying strong is hard. My life has turned completely upside down. I will probably be infertile. I’m going to be bald. My hair has always meant so much to me and made me feel beautiful. I’m going to have to find a new way to feel like that. How when I’m going to be so sick, will be difficult but I know this is all temporary.

I try. All I can do is try. Try to stay positive. Try to stay strong. Try to remind myself that before I know it it’ll all be over, and I’ll be cancer free. Scared and bald but free.

This trip is going to be so emotional. This trip is everything I need. It truly couldn’t have come at a better time. So happy to celebrate my sister and my niece. I can’t wait to meet her. I wish I didn’t have all of this in the back of my head. I wish I would be okay to see her be born or right after birth. Circumstances suck but I will make the best of it.

I have a village. I strong, loving, supportive village. I truly don’t know who I’d be without them. I don’t know how I’d do any of this without them. I’ve never wanted to hug the people I love so badly in my life. I am so thankful I am able to do it now. I need the transfer of energy, love, and power so I can fight this insane fight.

I still grapple with the fact that this is my life right now. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t question why me. It’s just a lot to process and a lot to understand. So many moving parts. From possibly losing my biggest dream in the world of being a mom. To knowing I’m going to be getting so many injections. To understanding each different type of chemo and the side effects to each one and the amounts of each one I will be getting. Then the radiation afterwards. And the shots I need after chemo for the first three months so keep up my white blood cell count. To how sick I’m going to be and the effects it’s going to have for months and years after. The scars I now have all over my chest. The constant reminders that I had to fight this fight and it’ll never truly be over. It’s all just so much. Cancer is a beast, no matter how large or how small the cancer is, it’s a beast I wish no one ever had/has to endure. It’s so much. And not just for the patient but all of the people that love them.

I cannot even begin to comprehend how this is affecting my mom, my sister (who is supposed to be having the happiest time in her life), my brother (even though he doesn’t show it), my best friend Rachel, my wifey sally, my grandparents (who have their own fight to endure), my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my friends. This affects everyone.

This is all so much. And this all happened in less than 2 short months. Time is of the essence and I’m going to fight with everything I have but damn, this sucks."